Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:iconxnihil0: More from XNihil0


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
March 22, 2012
File Size
1.2 KB
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
388
Favourites
10 (who?)
Comments
19
Downloads
9
×
I bet that you would like to have a mower for your lawn
That hardly needed input and could run while you were gone.

I have a few fine models so, if you want my advice,
I'll go through some key features. I'm sure that will suffice.

I bet that you have never seen machines that looked this good.
You can even choose the color – you don't have to – but you could.

Not using toxic compounds, it's not harmful to the earth.
Now tell me, how much do you think something like this is worth?

Don't worry - you don't need to call technicians for repair.
It can fix itself - though it's slow, so please don't stare.

Still, want a newer model when the current one's worn out?
There's a built-in option, I assure without a doubt.

It only runs on water. What more could someone ask?
Invent something that's this complex – it is no easy task!

And if all this were not enough, it doubles as a pet.
Now, my friend, I have to ask… have you figured it out, yet?

                                ~Gregory A. Conner II
...well?




Looking at this from the perspective of a future Mechanical Engineer... God's a much better inventor than I ever will be!



For critiquers:
Does the poem make you appreciate how truly amazing animals can be?
How is the word choice?
Is the poem enjoyable to read, or just kind of "there"?

Most importantly, what are your general thoughts? I'd be pleased to hear them!

Edit: I fixed a mistake and changed one of the lines for clarity as advised below!

Comment:[link]
Add a Comment:
 
:iconomnomnomsquirl:
OmnomnomSquirl Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
it's a cow right?
Reply
:iconxnihil0:
XNihil0 Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2012
Could be... I left it open ended on purpose. However, that's what I would pick. ;) There are a few other "fine models," too, though.
Reply
:iconomnomnomsquirl:
OmnomnomSquirl Featured By Owner Mar 30, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I thought it was very clever of you (:
Reply
:iconxnihil0:
XNihil0 Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2012
Well, thank you! =)
Reply
:iconomnomnomsquirl:
OmnomnomSquirl Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Welcome :D
Reply
:iconfightingisolation:
FightingIsolation Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I really like this poem. Your rhythm and flow are incredible. I think you have a very literal, but yet twistedly abstract mind. I enjoy your style. Especially your last stanza. Well done!
Reply
:iconxnihil0:
XNihil0 Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2012
Thank you so much for the compliments! I'm very glad you thought it was such a great poem! :thumbsup:
Reply
:icondweckie:
dweckie Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2012  Student Writer
Nice poem with some strong rhythm, good structure, and rymes that work. (:

Firstly, I have to agree with the comment below! I thought I was reading either sci-fi or an odd choice of poetry subject revolving around a shopkeeper. XD Reading it through again, yes, it does make you appreciate animals and it does that in a very subtle and pleasant way. However, I think this point could really be hammered in with hints in the first half of the poem as well as the second, to better give the "riddle" impression.

I think the word choice is perfect for the type of poetry, not complex enough to hinder the flow but not very simplistic either.
Yes, the poem is enjoyable, otherwise I would not have read until the end. (:

In terms of general thoughts, my only suggestion is to do with the rhythm. In some points, as said above, it is very strong. But in the middle and towards the end of the poem some of the lines do not quite match the others. Most of these could be changed by the addition of one word, for example, maybe another "you" in the sixth line.

The only line I felt to be completely out of place was the line:
"It can correct itself, with only just a little care."
This line is not the most self-explanitory, and I also think does not fit into the rhythm as said above.

Overall though, a lovely read with good points about animals and what they are capable of. (:
Reply
:iconxnihil0:
XNihil0 Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2012
WooOOOoow! Thanks for all the input!

Rhythm seems to be the thing that always bites me... :hmm: ...wait, oh my! I actually did have a "you" in there in my notebook version, I believe! Thanks for pointing that out!

I do agree with your assessment of that line. Would it be better if I said something about fixing or healing itself (maybe, "healing" would be another clue to the riddle, as well?).

Thanks for your thoughts, they are well appreciated! :thumbsup:
Reply
:icondweckie:
dweckie Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2012  Student Writer
Looks great! Rhythm's hard to find, I have the same problem. ^^

I think healing would be a great word, and a definate hint. (:

It's my pleasure to give them, my apologies for the long comment. There's just so much to say! XD
Reply
Add a Comment: